It was a breezy Sunday morning. A rain storm welcomed the blinding sun that was trying at best to peek through the iridescent clouds. The sky painted a colorful picture with hues of pinks and blues. It was stunning after a treacherous storm as a reminder that dark skies and loud booming can actually serve as an indication that beauty lies ahead, and adversity is for a greater purpose. However, not everyone sees it that way. God knows she didn’t.
“What is it?” He asked. His eyes fixed on her in a silent cry of desperation and hope for rekindling what could have been. Staring blankly out of the window of a moving train, she didn’t physically acknowledge him, but his question pierced her heart like a dagger. She heard him loud and clear. The red stain from her lips gave the charcoal tea cup she grasped in her hand some personality.
Deliberately getting lost in the trees and rivers as they were passing through as if to deter him. She needed something, anything just to avoid answering his question, as if it wouldn’t come up again. “Look at me.” He demanded. “I can’t. Not right now.” She darted back, still avoiding eye contact.
It had never been easy for her to hide things from him, let alone anybody. Eventually convincing herself that this will soon be nothing but a memory, a bad nightmare, all forgotten; blind to the fact that past events have a funny way of repeating themselves. Perhaps not right away, but the good Lord does have an interesting sense of humor and sometimes does bring us back to what we ran so far from, left unresolved, and maybe even feared the most.
He walked through the divider straight to the second sleeping car just to collect his thoughts. Deep down he knew the truth. A certain truth he avoided confronting at all costs. He knew where this was headed. As the famous quote says, “Rome was not built in a day”, well.. neither was a broken relationship torn down. That doesn’t happen overnight, it’s a gradual fade. Sometimes you’re not even aware that it’s happening, because sometimes people are really good at hiding!
She thought she dealt with it, only for this to resurface yet again in such an unforgiving way. It feels like a tsunami with no warning signs or time to take cover, and you’re lucky if you can stand on your own two feet again. Over and over again, the waves crash and take you under. Each time you stand again you gain new strength, but it still hurts. The pain of a lost love.
Deep breaths, mind pulsing, heart racing. All she could do to extract herself from the pain was to use any distraction as her aid, her saving grace; which was her involvement with him. He was an honest man. A good man. A great companion. He was a faithful man, but he was not who she truly loved.
“How did we get here?” A repetitive dialogue between her and herself that wouldn’t quit. She knew that love was a choice, not some butterflies or endless feeling of bliss you get. She was also wise enough to know that you can’t let anything hold you back from living your life, but she also felt trapped because there was much conflict inside of her. “What does it all mean? Is there a bigger plan? A brighter picture ahead different from what I see now?” She kept asking, desperate for an answer.
The difficult part was accepting her truth. She said goodbye to something she knew in her bones wasn’t right, but couldn’t understand why. He was the calm after a rainstorm. A soothing balm for her broken heart. But that was all. She craved something more, and she knew it existed because she felt it once. Almost like divine alignment.
In preparation for the plans that lie ahead, it required her to kiss the present goodbye, because it wasn’t meant to follow her into the future. It was one of the hardest decisions that’s ever been made, but she knew it’s what needed to be done despite what others thought or said. She wanted to feel something again.
She learned a lot through being with him and has no regret. The memories will last forever, and that’s what makes it beautiful. Some master plan will continuously be revealed with each step of faith she takes. Throughout every season she’ll endure, a passage of time shines like a beacon of light. A hope for the love she so craves and prays for.
She doesn’t always know where she’s going, but has enough faith to get through the darkest of nights. Every storm that rears its ugly head won’t break her. The coldest morning that awakens her will be nothing but inspiration for her to keep going because of the fire that burns inside. She knows that beauty lies ahead, even when she can’t see it.
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memoirs of aly (the way i see it).